


a reason

by stardustgirl



Series: Ambivalence [2]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Brainwashing, Conditioning, Dark, Heavy Angst, Imperial AU, Inquisitor Kanan Jarrus, Kanan Jarrus Needs a Hug, Mercy Killing, Nur - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:20:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22275463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustgirl/pseuds/stardustgirl
Summary: He becomes who they want him to be.(Set about 8 years prior to OD&F.)
Relationships: Ezra Bridger & Kanan Jarrus
Series: Ambivalence [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1377892
Comments: 3
Kudos: 41





	a reason

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Electroshock Torture, Mercy Killing, Suicide Attempt, Suicidal Ideation, Conditioning, Brainwashing

_My name is Kanan Jarrus I am not a Jedi I am not a barkeep from the Outer Rim I am not a prisoner of the Empire I am an Inquisitor I am a servant of the Empire I am the property of the Empire I have no reasons to live._

Kanan breathes out slowly, closing his eyes.

He can hear the electricity crackling in preparation to strike as the restraints close in.

He lets them, and doesn’t fight to withhold his screams.

“Who are you?” a mechanical voice asks.

“I am an Inqu- Inquisitor of the Empire,” he whispers, voice raw from screaming. “I am a s- s- servant of the Empire.”

The droid shocks him again and Kanan allows his head to fall forward, breathing in hoarse rasps now.

“Who are you?”

“I am an Inqui- an Inquisitor of the Empire. I am a ser- servant of the Empire.”

Shock. “Who are you?”

“I am- am- am an Inquisitor o- of the Empire. I am a s- servant of the Empire.”

Shock.

Question.

Answer.

Shock.

Question.

Answer.

He’s not sure how long the cycle continues when finally, they stop, and he’s released from the restraints. He’s dragged into a cell across the hall, a rayshield his only protection from the glares from anyone passing and the screams from other cells.

He passes out almost immediately.

He’s awoken with a bucket of freezing water and dragged to his feet long enough to bring him back to the same cell. He’s restrained on the same table.

The cycle begins again.

* * *

He’s not sure how long the pattern continues, only that on the day they finally take him from his rayshielded cell and into somewhere new, he can’t think straight anymore.

“These are your quarters, Thirteenth Brother,” someone says. He nods, too dazed to register the speaker. They guide him with a harsh hand to the stack of crisply folded Inquisitors’ blacks on the bunk and he nods, mumbling something akin to thanks. The hand squeezes hard enough to hurt before it and its owner leave.

He dresses silently, wincing at the pain but not crying out. His throat is empty of words by now.

He checks the date at some point, because he’s allowed to do that now, he’s allowed to walk around without a retinue of guards and Purgetroopers ready to take him out at a moment’s notice. When he sees it’s only a few months after he was captured, he can’t bring himself to care much.

He remembers the Jedi they made him kill only vaguely. It was her or him, they’d said. Either she lived, and became as dazed and dissociated as he was, or he lived, and she was delivered into the merciful arms of death. It was after he’d killed her that he’d tried to follow suit with himself.

That was why he’d been sent to Reconditioning, he knows.

But her death is also the reason he’s still alive.

Reluctantly, he begins to engage with the others again. He begins to snarl back when they comment, he begins to show off in spars beyond the efficient brutality he’s already accustomed to using, if only to make sure they view him as a threat.

He requests the boy who tries to bite his hand off the first time they meet for real as an apprentice.

He remembers his name, then, at the same time that the boy hisses, “My name isn’t a _number._ ”

_My name is Kanan Jarrus I am not a Jedi I am not a barkeep from the Outer Rim I am not a prisoner of the Empire I am an Inquisitor I am a servant of the Empire I am the property of the Empire I have one reason to live._


End file.
